2008-05-25 - 10:59 p.m.
"What are you doing?" he asked on the phone tonight.
"Making brownies," I replied.
"What' kind of brownies?"
I glanced down at the recipe and said, "Coconut Almond Brownie Squares."
" I knew it!" he exclaimed.
"You knew I was making Cocnut Almond Brownie squares?" I asked.
"No, but I knew you weren't just making brownies. If I asked anyone else I know what kind of brownies they were making they would think I was stupid and answer 'the brownie kind'"
And it's funny that he knows that about me.
We have had a rough couple of weeks. There was an incident that I don't want to detail even here, in the most anonymous forum I have available to me. And then there was a conversation that lasted until after 2 am on a work night. And then there were five excruciatingly long days of space.
And then he called. He got a sitter. We sat in a bar by my house and talked for a half hour before I said soething like, "Well????"
And he said he didn't know. He said he had just wanted to see me, to hear me, to be near me. He said, "I just missed you. And I am realizing now that I never actually said that out loud until now."
And it is better and worse and the same. It is not over, but it still lacks something like a promise.
It was supposed to be easier this time, with me owning up to my self-destructive relationship behaviors and him being someone who is actually worth falling for.
And on some level it is easier.
But I still want more. And I'm not sure how to want that and not let it consume me...and him.
