2008-06-09 - 10:52 p.m.
The thing about words is that they aren't always a blessing. I can't control them the way I want to. Sometimes my words consume me.
And although I consider myself to be "good with words" I am not always good at telling the truth.
I don't mean that I lie; I mean that it is difficult for me to say something without spinning. I want what I say to be eloquent. I want my words to sound as important as my thoughts.
But I use them too much. I can't leave well enough alone. I always want the perfect summed up movie line response. When it doesn't come; and it never comes, I rephrase and try again. I poke and prod. I push.
I know I have a right to feel whatever I feel, and I know I have a right to say so. Moreover, I know that in this particular instance, I am not asking for too much.
The problem, then, is that I can't seem to get an answer that I like. I can't get a straight answer at all.
I cried so hard last night that it hurt to close my eyes. This morning, I cursed the puffy circles and decided to forego eyeliner. No need to outline the problem.
But I feel like an idiot. I don't want to leave him, but I don't know how to stay when he can't seem to give me the words I need to hear.
I drew a line in the sand in my mind. The line stands on the other side of August 26th, when we will reach a year together. I decided that if he wasn't willing to give in after a year, I would have to move on.
Yesterday was hard, and he showed up without calling and I hadn't had time to pull myself together. I swear I wasn't going to say anything, but he pushed. And when he pushed I cried. And before I knew it we were in the middle of something.
He thought I was breaking up with him. I thought he was breaking up with me. When he left, three hours later, I heard myslef ask, "If you leave now, is it forever?"
"Do you want it to be forever?"
"That's not what I asked you. Is it forever."
He shook his head, no. "I will call you, soon."
My turn to nod.
"I will see you, soon, okay?"
I nodded again.
And he hugged me, long and tight.
I didn't follow him to the door. I couldn't. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep from asking more questions, like "when is 'soon'?"
He didn't call today. I didn't think he would. But the last five day hiatus nearly killed me. I can't do it again.
I told my sister I would call him tomorrow, but I don't have a clue what I will say. Words....
"This life is way too short to get caught up in all this stuff when I just want you to love me back. Why can't you just love me back?"
The Spill Canvas
